On again, Off again

Well, here it is.  The dreaded post.  You may dislike it because it is really long and doesn't have any pictures (and you'll understand why in a minute), but I for other reasons.  (To quote my favorite Disney movie (Sleeping Beauty), "We knew this day had to come...But, why did it have to come so soon?"  I wish I had a magic wand hiding away somewhere that could write this for me.  Alas, I do not and so I continue.  (I am just going to get this over with, so if it is too long- feel free to skip.  Posterity is all that keeps me going at this point.)

Valentine's Day:
Another milestone in a serious relationship is the "first Valentine's Day."  I had never experienced this day with a boyfriend before and was excited to do so- I didn't know then that Valentine's Day has a way of stirring things up.  Where to start?  Andrew had the day planned to a "T" and not with predictable, commercial cliches like flowers and chocolates or ridiculously sized stuffed objects, but with real thought and effort- and surprise.  He had previously gathered all of my snow gear (without my knowing it) and equiptment enough for the two of us to go sledding (all of which was carefully concealed in the back of his SUV).  We started the day with breakfast at a local diner and then took off on a beautiful drive through Trapper's Loop.  Just when I thought we'd turn back, he surprised me by pulling over and gearing me up for some fun in the snow.  Now I must note:  Andrew basically hates being in the snow.  If it is for snowboarding/skiing, hunting or something along those lines, he will make an exception, but not for something like building snowmen, snowball fights and/or sledding.  We had discussed this fact every now and then on our many dates- (usually after I not so slyly hinted by expressing how much I love doing activities fitting for the season.)  So, for Valentine's Day and as my first gift- he made an exception.  We stayed there until we could no longer feel our extremities and then he brought me home to shower and get ready for the rest of the evening.  I wondered where we'd be going considering every place in the city (and those neighboring it) had waits longer than there was night left, so imagine my surprise when we drove back to his sister's house.  I thought maybe we'd be pulling a duo as we often did, but was even more surprised when he had the place vacated and set for a quiet, romantic dinner-flowers, candles, music, the works.  His younger sister had just returned from England where she had been serving a mini mission and for the night she was posing as our chef extrodinair.  At some point, between one of the courses (yes, there were four or five!), we exchanged gifts.  To be honest, I don't even remember what I had gotten him, but it was his gift that I need to mention.  He had coordinated with my mom and gotten me an Italian charm bracelet that I had been coveting for awhile, full of charms that signified something about me that he loved.  It was perfect, but the part about the gift I must mention was HOW he gave it to me.    We were admiring the culinary abilities of his sister when he draws my attention into the kitchen (looking away from him).  His sister is putting the last touches on the desserts, so I watch for a minute.  As I turn back (prematurely, apparently) I notice him off his chair, bending down.  I panicked.  I loved him, but I was in no way expecting a proposal.  He pulls out the bracelet box and relief immediately swept over me.  My face must have said all, because he teased me for the remainder of the meal and through the movie that followed.  We watched one of my favorite chick flicks (which one eludes me at the moment) cuddled in an oversized leather armchair.  It was here that St. Valentine must have seen the perfect opportunity to stir things up because, before we knew it, the "M" word came up- and as no joke.  It was exciting, I don't know how to say it better.  It was what we both wanted.  Timing was going to prove to be a little complicated though.  He was leaving for the summer in April (2 months away) so it was either before that, or after.  Nothing was being proposed, so no definite plans wee made, but it became VERY REAL that this was going to happen.

And that is when everything changed.  I wish I could write that we got married at this point and lived happily ever after, but it didn't quite happen that easily.  You see, when the marriage probability enters into a relationship, conversations become a lot more complicated.  Conversations transform from: hobbies, talents, likes and dislikes, etc. to: number of kids, career paths, finances and so on.  Some couples choose not to discuss such topics in any depth- and run into problems later.  Others try to discuss EVERY LAST DETAIL and end up causing so much premarital contention that they end up breaking up.  Ideally, you should be somewhere in between.  We, unfortunately were on the too many details end.  Our "favorite" topics included:

1.  Where would we live (not just in general, but which places, how long, and when)?   I'd lived in Utah all my life and was "sure" I wanted to continue doing so.  Andrew was not so sure that would be possible.
2.  Would we ever adopt?  Andrew's parents, at that point had nine adopted children and I was worried what expectations existed, if any.
3.  How would we school our children?  Andrew came from a home schooling background and I from a public school perspective.  Need I say more?
4.  Family.  How much time and for what occasions would we spend with which family/alone?

Even still, to be fair, it wasn't the topics that were the issue.  (In fact, topics like these SHOULD be discussed to some extent.)  Communication was not our strong point, to say the least.  Our dates became intense and contentious- and I got scared that this meant it wasn't right for us to be together.  So, at the end of February, I broke it off.  I was devestated, and so was he (and not just because this was the first time he'd been on the other end of a break up.)  The contention was relieved, but after two weeks apart, I realized it wasn't peace I was feeling.  I missed him and I still felt like we were supposed to be together.  So, when he showed up at my work two weeks later, we easily ended up back together.

The next couple of months are ones I would really rather forget.  It was really such a confusing, stressful time for EVERYONE and we were getting nowhere.  I went back and forth from being very red in personality and very stubborn, to very white-not wanting to talk about anything.  Remember the inability to communicate?  Well that was definitely part of it.  Regardless, we spent the majority of every date (usually in the car to avoid making our issues public) and WAY too many a phone card/bill talking, arguing and questioning our relationship.  Family became VERY concerned and understandably so.  The end of April was approaching (which meant he would be leaving for Arizona soon), and as the date got closer, our "almost breakups" increased in number significantly.  Getting answers with so much contention, etc. was difficult, so I saw the four months apart as an  opportunity to get some clarity.  In praying about this, I felt that, in order to do so, I had to be open (or at least attempt to be) to either option- being together, or moving on.  I felt the way this was supposed to happen was for us both to date other people during his absence.  The night before he left, I presented this plan and it wasn't received well- as it probably wouldn't have been by me had he been the one to present it.  To him, this was breakup number two and he had had enough.

For the first two weeks being separated, I tried calling him every day to no avail.  He wasn't going to talk to me as long as I entertained the idea of dating other people.  He felt the separation would/should be sufficient for clarity and did not agree with my answer.  I had many a conersation with his answering machine at this point.  I persisted, and he opened a little, but it was not easy.  It is a WHOLE lot harder to talk when you are hundreds of miles away and not talking is as easy as ignoring the phone.  He was answering some calls, at least, but still viewed us as very much NOT together.  My take on our situation wasn't nearly as drastic.  These differences in perspective became REALLY obvious when we both had our first dates.  Let's just sum to say that, he kissed his, I did not (obviously).  Because of my persistence to talk on the phone daily, I got this news firsthand and I realized that I was not going to like this even more than he was not.  (FYI He was angry and kissed her to make a point, basically.  It didn't happen again, but still.)  Add that our conversations over the phone (which more often than not took place into the wee hours of the morning because he was selling all day every day) were still tense and drawn out and it will suffice to say that it was not a good time for either of us.  Or for our families, for that matter.

Speaking of family: I mentioned that it was a hard time (with a lot of mixed signals) for both of our families.  No parties were closer to the situation than my parents and Andrew's two sisters, his twin sister AnnieLaurie and younger sister Katie.  I am grateful to all of them for the roles they played at different times and am sorry for the worry and stress our rocky relationship caused- but I must mention a few things about AnnieLaurie in particular, because she played a significant role in how things worked out later-without even knowing it.   

 Let me rewind back to our first date for a minute.  Remember the friend who cancelled?  Turns out it was true and that friend happened to be Annie Laurie's brother in law, who couldn't get the date he wanted at the last minute.  Making up for the lost date opportunity, three or four dates later, we tripled at his sister's house for some homemade pizza and games.  This was the first time I met Andrew's twin and I liked her from the start.  So much so, that the morning after that date, when she called me herself and told me that she had breakfast ready and to come over right now (no getting ready, makeup, nothing!), I didn't think twice about it.  Why shouldn't the sister call and say come over?! :)  From there I loved Annie Laurie and her little family, and to be completely honest, each time we broke up- I actually missed her.  Now fast forward back.  Annie Laurie was pregnant with her third (little Tyler) and was due anytime (it was mid June by now.)  I had been working on a baby present for her and it was finally finished.  Andrew and I were still not on the best of terms, but I REALLY wanted her to have this gift that I had made with her specifically in mind.  So, one day I bit the bullet and brought it over.  I expected complete awkwardness because of the break up, but received nothing but kindness and love.  In leaving I thought to myself, "She FEELS like family.  I love Andrew, I love his family.  Why can't we just be together?"  So I started praying once again. 

It wasn't easy- the complications didn't go away (in fact got more so in areas), but I had made my decision.  I wanted to be with him and was going to do so- whatever it took.  Then my answer came.  For the first time in a long time, I felt peace and absolute surety.  The next day, Andrew called and said that he had a few days off over the 4th of July and was coming for a visit.  I didn't tell him then about my answer, only that I wanted to be exclusive again and make things work.  He was hesitant, as you can imagine after my inconsistency (twice), but by the time he left back for Arizona we were back on track.  Funny thing about answers, they don't make everything better.  They just give you something to hold on to, and that made all the difference.  It wasn't long before Andrew suggested that we pray together and after a few days he came up with the same answer as I, and just as clear.  It was only now that I shared mine with him and the confirmations I had had since.  The suumer was almost over and we were finally ready to move forward.  We had come full circle since Valentine's Day, but we KNEW it was right this time.  We had a lot of clean up work to do (especially with family) but we were in it together.

Stay tuned:  The Ring